Absolutely shocked beyond belief. Never would I have imagined. I have no words. The betrayal someone who I long looked up to literally takes my breath away. There are absolutely no excuses. No excuses at all. How many? How long? What about outside the organization? It’s unfathomable, and the more I think about it, the worse it gets. For all the leadership and accountability he preached, he sure is good at hiding it seems. What a coward, what a loser on top of being a criminal.
I am far from a perfect person, and my peers back then, especially my small group leader back then, if they remember me, would attest to that if they were being honest. They, who have done much more good than me, are more knowledgeable about the situation, and have a faith well outpacing mine, would have much more important and relevant thoughts to this than mine.
But If I looked up to him and put him on a pedestal as far as a sometimes attendee and consumer of his content after graduation could, for whatever good was done in the past, damn right I can point an angry finger at him right now, given something this heinous, twisted, ugly, nauseating, and disgusting.
Do you even understand what you’ve done? How twisted it was? How evil? What is wrong with you? Have you apologized? Do you still not get it? How much of it was fake, how much of it was real? I hope the people around you have said this and more, using far more explicit language.
Of course, what I’m feeling is almost irrelevant compared to what the survivors have been through, are going through, and may go through. Sadly, I hope, but am pessimistic, that the number won’t grow. 3, is a pattern.
Again, my perspective comes from someone who was a passive member at best of the community during my time at Michigan. Someone who immensely admired the conduct of my peers, who were kind and strong, qualities I tried to replicate at my next church. And I had continued to admire them from afar as they spread across the planet doing good.
And to think I thought the guy at the head was largely responsible for setting that culture. A guy who, in retrospect, was living two digusting, manipulative, polar-opposite lives. You can’t read what he did with multiple victims, over at least a decade, and think otherwise. My mouth hung open at how you used the Bible in this, this thing. I didn’t think you would stoop that low. It almost makes adultery seem tame.
Outside of a handshake one Sunday, I never had any interactions with that guy. The fact that I vividly remember that moment goes to show how much I put this guy on a pedestal. I can’t even say his name at this point. The sermons, the mission trips, the church planting, the mentioning of the Holy Spirit 3,000 times during retreats. The never-ending messages on SNS of Jesus this, Jesus that, leadership this, calling that, fellowship whatever. As someone who has had unimaginable things thrown my way in life that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, I confess that, from time to time, those messages helped me through the decades.
And maybe that’s why I feel the betrayal I feel. Not necessarily because of my time at Michigan, but the follow up consumption of the content he provided online that helped me through very difficult times.
But now? I have no clue who this this guy was. Yeah, sure, the duality of man, we’re all fallible, and on and on, but you know what I mean. What was truth, what wasn’t?
To be sure, I get it in a twisted way. As humans, and especially as males, we can feel temptations toward anything. But this goes far beyond that into exploitation and betrayal? I can’t just hand wave it as ‘Don’t put yourself into that situation’ because you yourself setup the entire system. And you knew. Of all people, you absolutely knew what you were doing. You took full manipulative, step by step advantage of the power imbalance. You 100% groomed them.
There are other very valid points, such as the organizational setup, checks and balances and accountability, etc. The impact this has on existing organizations. A discussion about the good that has been done in the past desite the disgusting conduct. But that’s another topic for another time. This entry is focused entirely on, and written from the perspective of, a person deeply disappointed, bitter and angry at another.
And so, so, so sorry to the survivors.
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